Riiiight...... well I believe a while ago I was offered the title of Lieutenant of AFSWATTF by Nickoli a while ago and in a topic far from here (actually a few topics down in the fluff hunting section but oh well), so I think I’ll try out my hand at this title. Though undoubtedly not as funny as Nik’s I give you Lieutenant Dragonslorefury’s first report.

AFSWATTF Report Number: Four hundred and eleventeen

Author: Lieutenant Dragonslorefury: the DLF of the AFSWATTF.

Subject: Vampire fairy twilight goth emo punk sk8ers
*Try saying that ten times really really fast and it might actually form something coherent, I doubt it though)

Fluff Level: “Erm...hello?.....can you hear me up there!?....Do you speak’a de English!?!”

Status: After stumbling upon Lieutenant Melody’s medal-worthy discovery and the following repetitive head banging that came from reading it our resident DLF plucked up the courage, or lack of fully functioning brain cells, to file her first report.
On a further note no medals were supplied to melody but instead a substitute cookie was offered as a gesture of appreciation, this displeases DLF who retains the right that the cookies are hers.

Report: Concerning the biggest flaw in our solar system since the lack of valet parking at the entrance of the emergency room; Vampire fairy twilight goth emo punk sk8ers.... yeah, need I say more? Probably not, buuut seeing as this is a report and therefore excessively long we shall venture onwards.

Seriously though- Vampire fairy twilight goth emo punk sk8ters- what...the....hell. Okay, okay I understand where the vampire part comes from
–looks further into the board-
Oh wait that seems to be fluff.... but I understand where the fairy part comes from
-looks again-
Oh..erm...no, just more fluff.
Well Twilight seems.... erm, no.
Sorry but this one is purely Twilight based.
What about the rest.... goth, emo, punk sk8ters

I can understand the whole vampire fairy thing, even on the most basic level of fluff that makes sense, vampires are bad ass, fairies are fine assed, right I get that. But goth, emo, punk, sk8ers....just no. Never in my life have I seen such a random array of pop-culture goop clomp together, and I go to rock clubs. And it’s not just skater, like any normal person would assume, oh no, it’s sk8er with an 8; because obviously coherent sentences are beyond the power of the uber vampire faries of goth, emo, punk, skater doom. No wonder they hate humanity! I bet these people haven’t passed a single English test in their life.


vaMpiRe oF coUrSe...xP
i tHiNk tHat tHey aRe moRe roMantIc aNd kiNds oF cuLtuRe thAn hUmaNz aRe!!

Erm....right..yeah. Good luck gaining any sort of English qualifications when you don’t even understand the concept of the capital letter; I think my eyes just imploded.

I would have to say VAMPIRE! not b/c they can live for eternity but b/c they can't fell emoitons. It's better not to fell than it is.

Well I feel that you not only need to get your lack of appreciation for the simplest of human impulses checked but also your basic spelling, there’s an easy way to remember it- Betty Eats Custard And Uncle Sam’s Eggs- and always remember to enunciate; should help you with that whole ‘feel’ thing you got going on. Now- To the back of the class with you!

For the interest of the report these evidence files were not only to show a total lack of spelling and grammar comprehension but also a nice linking device; this topic was asking the members of fluffs ‘r us whether they’d rather be human or vampire. Guess which was the over ruling decision.

Which brings us onto our main topic of this report, the hyooman hating; something so ignorant, so negative and so pathetically hilarious that it has our lieutenant chocking up her expensive rose wine at this very moment....DAMMIT!

Ahem, anyways our lieutenant has managed to crawl on elbows and knees through this forum (in other words used their conveniently placed search engine) and dig up some gems for the greater good of the report. Screw you privacy and confidentiality!!!

Case One-
Jealous Jillain
humans that think we are not real really get under my skin I mean c'mon why cant we talk on the internet too? err its times like these that you just want all humans to go away. They wonder why some of us hate them. I just had to state this since a certain someone aka "scarlet" had to go on a rant about us all being fantasy. I think she does this because she is jealous she isent what we are even though it isent all great its hard to and sometimes we die cause we cant handel it! So what do you think?

Gee, yeah, humans MUST be jealous of the fact that this person has claimed to be a vamypr (with an “8”). Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that the vast majority of society finds it hard to believe that vampires actually exist, that people are entitled to their own opinion and that if you’re going to post your own, and widely seen as, outlandish view of being an uber powerful vampire of doom then you should expect some opposing views, some of which may be extreme. No. It’s because everyone who doesn’t agree with her is jealous, of course that makes much more sense! Why did I not see it before!? Oh yeah- the whole logic thing.

Seriously though, if you’re going to follow any (and I mean any) path that’s not mainstream then it should be apparent that there are going to be people out there who-
a-Have opposing opinions and want to defend them and/or present them to you.
b-Have opposing opinions and want you to believe their opinions over yours.
c-Are douches for no significant reason and, what with you having posted something no-main stream, have found you to be the perect chew toy.
But very few people out there are going to be jealous, especially seeing as this person is not only claiming to be some sort of vampyr involved in a vamyric war but also because, when this view was contested, they turned around and declared that anyone who didn’t believe their way of thinking was jealous.... that’s some real good debating skills there Sherlock.

What boggles the mind though is the fact that not only has she got out of owning up to the delusional grandeur of her reality by claiming others are just jealous of her but she’s also got everyone on the forum agreeing with her!
i think the human race are just afraid that they arent thee most powerful or commanding race so in order for them to feel good about themselves they must say very ignorant things its not their fault they are weak of mind

that is a good way of putting it, but if they are so weak of mind, then how did they find the few ways to kill us?

(Lieutenant Side note- That must be really hard for us to figure out, what with you guys being the same species of us and all.)

They just want to think that you aren't real becuase it will probably make them question their whole religion probably

At this point your resident DLF has decided not to subject you to any more of “da stupidz” from this topic, maily because it moves on to the vampire/hjooman war, and I only have so many brain cells left (besides i’m sure our trustworthy Captain will move onto this eventually) so onwards and upwards!

Case Two-
Title “Why do humans hate us?” Posted by Kinzie
this is gonna be stupid a stupid question but...

why do humans hate us, wanna be one of us, or don't believe in us?
&&why do we try too like blend in with them?

Yes, these people actually believe that humans hate them, golly gosh! Why would any person have a reason to hate these people? Hmmmm maybe it has something to do with this-
humans are selfish and ungrateful. they fear everything that is unknow to them and try to destroy it from ever exisiting

Gee, so you’re calling all “humans” selfish and ungrateful as well as generally destructive and you wonder why people may be a little pissed off at you? For one you are human, don’t make Lt. DLF stab you in the eye with your own set of fake fangs. Besides that a routine status check of this person, using the AFSWATTF’s Common Sense device, shows that they contribute just as much destruction to this earth as anyone else out there, what with them being human an’ all the environment is feeling their carbon footprint along with everyone else’s.
But, hey, that couldn’t possibly be why people may be slightly resentful to these people....maybe it’s this-
those humans are all just power hungry and they dont care what they hurt to get to the top of the food chain. whats your view?

Hmmm, well checking our Common sense device...
–pulls out a cardboard box with some buttons drawn onto it with a black and red marker-
Well our device is telling us that seeing as this person is also human and therefore also top of the food chain they seem to have an extreme case of the common fluff condition, called fuckus delusionous. Infact seeing as this person is claiming to feed off of humans they are therefore even more guilty of getting to the top of the food chain, silly rabbit.

But no, claiming that we’re power hungry and don’t care about killing anything for food couldn’t possibly peeve us off a little bit....god these people are so nice, see-
the human race is jus a large scale version of bacteria, plaguing the world with its constint need for a better brighter tommorow, in which case is the self satifaction of each human's personal life, and which are willing to step on, crush, and beat any one else's dream that might not even be in the way of their own, and the so called civilizied people are the worst, they will eat each other when giving the chance, fallowing the darwinion rules that are the survival of the fittest, natural selection, but humanity calls out for direction, in which people who have power will use set imperfection to gain more power, and every one will fallow this becuase their jus to stupid to look at the other direction. humans are blind to the obvious truth.

How nice, our Lt. Can’t possibly see any reason why people might hate these people, no sir-e. They are obviously just poor, misunderstood vampires who are being persecuted for merely saying that all humans are destructive, power hungry, selfish, ungrateful, fearful people. Obviously there excluded from all these traits because they are powerful vampires and of course we’re all jealous because of that. Pfft nothing to piss people off about that. Seriously, how can these people not see why some people have decided to resent or ridicule them? I’d give them our common sense machine but they’d only colour it pink and put sparkle paint on it. In summary, emo, goth sk8er vamp thingies or whatever you want to call yourselves-

Oh but it doesn’t end there, oh no, our resident genius and all around good guy George of the Jungle, erm I mean Lt. DLF, has discovered the true depth of their fluff. I present to you dedicated (or by this point bored and imapteint) readers the final case; the escapism.

Case Three; the Final Frontier-
Topic Title- ugh humans! i dont understand their minds
By Cloud Neine, and trust me she’s on it. The time is 16:55, about to finish the report and taking another fine sip when a topic arises so laugh worthy that more of the precious Rose’ is lost in the recon effort...yeah... I really gotta stop laughing when i’m drinking this stuff. Here I’m going to let some of the quotes speak for themselves for a while and I warn you, it does contain a drink spillage alert-
okay wtf people can someone tell me what humans see in us vampires that makes them go crazy with love

It is the thrill of something new and better. And we do have a natural addition to our attractiveness.

trust me i hate it too!! they see beauty,brains,we smell good apparently,we are mysterious,and lots of other things....just ignore it!!

I know exactly what you mean. They find us beautiful, smart and people constantly tell me I smell good!

its natural 4 us vampires we cant help it if we r blindingly beautiful

the seductive darkness that surrounds vampires is what lores humans to you

humans fall in love with vampires cause it is something differant,, something they dont know,, it is new and EXITING to them,, they see vampires as gods compared to themselves therefore they crave that

we look good to them and we can make bette love to them than any other human can. and they know this. butanything farther than that is beyond me i too am trouble with humans going crazy over me. i mean damn i can only tke on one at a time!!!

This is the consistent and pre-dominant answer on this topic- humans instantly crawe these people because they are natuarally beautiful, attractive and sexy. This topic also goes on for 19 pages, 19 pages of vampires claiming that they inherently have all this “SmeX Factor” because they’re vampires.... four words my friends; Oh....my....fucking....God.

With that we move on (finally) to the Report Conclusion-
Go to this site if you want-
-A bunch of Twilight Vampire wannabees with fairy dust added in for good measure.
-People who, although they despise humans, seem to find no better descriptive words for themselves than those of human sub-cultures.
-Probably the best example you’ll get of our current education system not working.
-A bunch of human-bashing crap (over 150 topics on it to be more precise) with blatant disregard that they themselves are human and with all the “human” members just going along with it and either asking them to “be nicer” or apologising....whimps.
-The same old human v. Non-human war crap.
-Ego- stroking as every vampire there convinces themselves that they are the most sexy thing to roam the earth.

With that, ladies and gentleman, I hand you back to our trusty captain,
Lt. DLF out.