-AFSWATTF Special Report-
Target: That dude up there in the topic text
Author: Me, myself, and I
Fluff Level: I think my fluff meter just overloaded.


Ah, Kai. Where to begin, I ask myself. The answer you'd think would be at the start, of course. You silly bird, what's gotten into you. The truth is, I have no idea where this sordid tale begins, nor do I know if it has ever truly ended. This dragon has a topic on Portal of Evil with over 6500 posts in it, a major write up on Crush Yiff Destroy, a website with essays so full of fluffiness I, and this is no word of a lie, would blank out halfway through and start to shake my head in amazement. Then I would just give up. That's right, he broke me. Take all those negative stereotypes of dragons, such as arrogance, pride, inflated egos and condense it into one fluffy bunny dragon man.

He is Kaijima Appleseed Frostfang. Hear him roar. Hear me cry.

I s'pose the best place to start would be his origin story. Now, I can't disprove this for obvious reasons, those being I can't get inside his head (although I'm sure there's enough room. Ba-zing!), I never experienced what he has in his life, therefore I can't exactly call BS for sure. But it's rather...how shall I say this? Fantastical? Romantic? Stupid? One of those.

First link, then summary and my analysis. Link. FYI: Kinda long-ish.

And once again, I am at a loss for words. For one, it's unbelievably detailed, enough to make be a bit suspect. No one I've ever seen has had an origin story THAT fantastical and perfect, AND been believable at the same time.

For two, the tone of the piece tends to wear on my nerves after a little while. It's all "We had magic AND highly advanced technology! We never ever fought and yet could kick anybody's ass! We had the perfect government and everybody always got along." Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. No, I am not using exagerration as a literary tool, this is all in there, only just a bit more subtle.

I guess it'd be called escapism...? I dunno, I've never been good at Psych 101, especially on crap written on the internet. 'Sides, I have junior officers I can delegate to!

It's just too perfect, y'know? I mean, quotes like this:

A note on our political system: we really didn't have much of one.  The various Weyrs cooperated with one another without complaint or suspicion, no formal set of rules or laws really needed anywhere, except for extremely practical ones, such as rules on spacecraft prohibiting random persons from playing with the fusion reactor and blowing up the ship. Impossible, you say? Anarchy? Well, not if the people were actually _nice_ to one another, and not selfish. Try it some time. You may be surprised how neat it is.)

And this:

We do not fight among ourselves. It's just not in us. It's not just a cultural thing either... To a great extent, it's biological. The dragons, and by relation, the draconids, of Terra are "wired up" in such a way that each person responds to another of their kind with the instinctual response of "ally". (And if you philosophers out there want to debate whether a sentient species could develop that way, sorry, it's not a theory, but a fact )

They both really just sound like a fantasy to me. Who wouldn't want to live in a world where no one was paranoid about being stabbed in the back, and there wasn't any war? For God's sake, this even sounds appealing to me right now, and that's after taking my cold, dead heart into consideration.

Oh...and that last line in the second quote? About how it's a "Fact", not a "Theory"? Buddy, I have three little words for you: Back it up. "Because I say so" is never a good argument in any debate, and that goes double in this community. Multiplied by a trillion when you've already written the equilvalent of a D&D campaign before that little gem. I mean, really, I've been around this board nearly a year now, and I still have to back up anything I ever say ever about being a phoenix with concrete evidence, or admit that I don't know. If I don't, I catch hell and rightly so.

All in all, he earns points for not being some sort of a God-Dragon-King (read: lobster-kin. Thanks be to Lopting) but those get taken away and set on fire when you take into account oh...everything else.

On the Poser-o-meter, I'd rank it a 7.

(Aside: Jesus, it's getting TL:DR already! Quick wrap-up time!)

Even after that, AND all the fluffy essays (to be viewed in a later post) I still wouldn't be putting this much effort into him. What grinds me is his attitude, and what a jerk one he has. If you don't believe him, the only reason is because your reality is inferior to his. I'm completely serious. His views transcend yours, and it's all your fault you're not on his level. Oh, and apparently, that why being a dragon can suck. Because this world just ain't made for them. Dragons are the only ones that can see that everyone on Earth is living a sub-par existance, and they're also the only ones that can fix it. It's a constant battle against the non-believers (Shun! Shun the non-believer! Shunnnnnnnnn! I will never get tired of that as long as I draw breath) and their non-believer-y ways.

For the sake of fuck! Why is this battle even being fought in the first place? If trying to convince all 6.7 billion people on God's green Earth that you're a dragon is that big of an issue for you, then you seriously need to rethink your priorities. And that's not even the worst goddamn part! What I feel is the absolutely shittiest thing that he has ever said on this topic of the non-believers is this:


If your parents can't spend the effort to care about you for yourself, maybe kid, they ain't all that.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend can't grasp who you really are and how you really feel, maybe you shouldn't waste your time with them.

If your friends can't comprehend things important to your basic identity, then you need better friends.

Yep. Orders from the Grand Master of Fluff-i-oscity himself. If anybody around you doesn't believe you, then drop them like a rock. Of course, he wonders why something so simple and true hasn't ever occured to anybody. Maybe it's because it's bullshit? But there's the kicker to this whole mess, that little hint that the only reason you don't believe this is because you haven't heard of it before. Plus, "Only we can understand you for who you truly are, not those horrid, nasty mundanes." Of course, God knows nobody is open-minded but dragons amirite?! :roll:

I said it before, and I will say it again, it's what you do that counts. Even if someone appeared to me at this very instant and told me in no uncertain terms that I was NOT a phoenix, I still wouldn't change a damn thing in my life. I'd still donate blood, I'd still go to medical school, I'd still do whatever else can even be remotely connected. Hell, I was doing all that over a year before I had that one phoenix dream. Being a phoenix doesn't automatically make everything I do any better or worse then anybody else if they did that same thing. Likewise, being a dragon doesn't immediately give you deep insight into the world that anybody else would only struggle blindly for.

I could go on for ages about this, but I won't. Not about this, that is. There's still WAY more stuff to go, including short commentary on all of his essays, and a small write-up on "Pookie." That name never fails to give me shivers down my spine. It won't be like a novel or anything, but I think it'll be a fair size, and should be fun to write out.

Until next time mates.


Not much to say here in the Post Report that I didn't already....I still can't believe that this person exists, mind you. I mean, at some time in history, THIS REALLY HAPPENED! He actually wrote all his essays and what not, and I'm in shock over it.

Eh, whatever. Good thing I'm writing this after midnight, if I was really awake, I think the fluff levels would knock me cold.